Lost in thoughts

I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm passing time and not living. Living like I used to. I can't just pretend. I can't just enjoy. There are fleeting moments, but what am I supposed to do, just forget it all and link all the fleeting moments together. I feel sad that it seems I care so much, yet so many don't. I'm not even sure anyone wants to even talk to me. I'm talking about the friends I used to have. Were we ever really friends? If there's anything left, it just feels like small talk and nothing really real. So for now I guess I just pass time. I work I clean I sleep I eat I exercise I love I pray I play I watch others but will I ever really live, will I ever feel free again, will I ever feel like my kids are truly free, will I ever enjoy life like I used to. I'm not even looking for friends. Why should I when I'm not really living or know how to. I know there are others that have reached this same point as me years before me decades before me. Are they really living or just passing time. I don't want to just pass time. I don't just want friends or new friends. It's not about that. I'm not lonely. It's about something else. It's not just about self sufficiency. It's about freedom and respect. I crave it so much. Why don't others